Guard Your Heart

OK, so I'm a bit slow and Pollyannish and it ONLY took me 56 years to see something clearly that horses have had a handle on since the beginning of time. It's about TRUST. T-R-U-S-T. Trust.

My Mom used to tell me, "Gwen, stop wearing your heart on your sleeve!" and I'd try, like crazy, to tuck the thing away but never could quite get the hang of it. I'd meet someone new and voila ... the heart came jumping to life on my sleeve once again and usually, only to be bumped and bruised and sometimes scarred for life. With traumatic happenings that tore into my heart, breaking it into more pieces, I'd manage to stuff it back where it belonged but then there it hid, quivering, trembling, waiting for the next round where its called out, once again to wait on my sleeve, only to take on a few punches here and there and maybe another rendering blow. All of my 56 years I've lived like this with this heart of mine. It's funny cause my motto for PENZANCE is, "It's all about what's in your heart and how you use it." and while I can easily translate that with my life with horses, I've never gotten the hang of it with humans.

This morning, while mucking the frozen, round balls of manure left on the virgin white snow I was thinking of a recent violation that occured here at PENZANCE. Somehow, Dorian's 'voice' came piercing into my heart and it was if a lightbulb came on (yeah, yeah .. that ole "light bulb experience") Dorian, clear as a bell said, "Well haven't you learned yet from us? WE don't "automatically" trust anyone. We're prey animals and we CAN'T trust everyone! Those humans around us have to EARN our trust and even when they display all the right "moves", we can still see into their hearts for honesty and maintain our guard. Come on, Gwen. 45 years with horses and you haven't learned to guard your heart - your trust!? Have you learned nothing from us along the way?" Jeepers creepers ... out of the mouths of babes ... errrrr, horses. The truth of the matter he's absolutely RIGHT! Here I've gone along the journey teaching others about horses and their trust and how we have to earn their trust and I haven't even learned the lesson myself.

My mother also taught me to be polite and sensitive to others and "put your foot in the other's shoe" which, yes, I treasure those teachings. However, there must be a balance. My husband swings the other way. (No, no, no .. that's not what I mean at all!) ... he, being a Vietnam Veteran, learned how to build walls around his heart that an entire infantry couldn't break through! I and our children and grandchildren have managed to get a good glimpse into the interior of his heart but any breach of trust and zip - that gap where we get a glimpse now and then, closes right up again. Then, we struggle to reopen and crawl inside for just a moment or two again. We've seen the inside, though, and know that its made of gold. It seems such a shame that the glorious glimmer and shine of that gold stays hidden for so long, though. After 35 years of marriage and partnership with this man I know that the gold inside glows only for his family and those who have EARNED the view! Needless to say, between him and me, the balance somehow stays pretty stable. On our own, though, apart from one another, those trust levels swing wildly from side to side and its virtually impossible to stabalize either one of us. But, together we're both golden.

In as much as I sometimes feel that equine blood runs through my own veins I've yet to meet a horse who wears his heart on his sleeve. Horses are, inheritantly, mistrustful and well should they be. Anyone at all could be the next chef and decide to have Equine du Jour as the dinner menu. So, those other horses and humans who THINK they're trustworth will always get the 3rd degree. THE TEST! I always ace the equine test but man, I can't render the test to other humans to save my own heart. It seems there's a little gene inside of me that runs autonomously and instantly says, "Oh! What a nice person!" and only after my heart is torn to shreds will I give up and realize that possibly there really ISN'T the "good" inside the other that I thought there was. It hurts. It makes my heart scream and it assaults my senses like nothing else. It renders my gut to a level where it wildly functions all on its own under no control and my mind just whirls round and round and round trying desperately to figure out "what went wrong".

Dorian asked me today, "Haven't you figured it out yet, Gwen? You haven't been listening very closely." And yet, I thought I WAS doing pretty well at it. But, as I said, back to the last happening I guess my heart can still be fooled unmercifully.

I should KNOW that when a person is ALWAYS happy and ALWAYS with a nice smile or a positive attitude that its not real. Can't be real. Can't be true or honest. Life just doesn't pass things along to us that way. Yes, Life is Good ... but at times its not. We can be, *should* feel grateful for our blessings but as humans we don't always feel that way and our countenance generally display that distaste, that negativity that is weaving with ugly threads into our lives. Now, had I been honestly vigilant then I would have seen that the horses were warning me. I would have seen the caution and the hesitancy of the horse in his or her attitude. But, if I did see it and recognize it for a fleeting moment I tossed the thought away, blaming myself for being paranoid or mistrustful. But, my heart had been dancing on my sleeve for too long and rejoicing in the thought that there really just might be a truly honest and positive human being left in the world. My faith in *humanity* was being restored, or so I thought.

Now, I grew up in the era of a handshake or verbal agreement being as solid and meaningful as the dotting of the i's and the crossing of the t's on a written contract. I should know that if someone prefaces a statement or question with, "well, since we didn't have a written contract" that the volumous, dishonest defecation was about to begin. But, the world has changed and with it, so have humans. I grew up in the era of those who did for others just for the sake of doing for others! This society has become such a self-centered society that the few who do for others just "because" are few and far between. It was displayed to me, quite obviously and "in my face" that there's always an ulterior motive - one that is selfishly motivated. The horses tell us that. The horses see right through into the human heart and KNOW the plans that human has even if the face is smiling. Dorian always knows. He's the master of deception and control issues. He can spot deception from 5 big paddocks away and will simply refuse to be a part of it. He's tall enough to simply "say no" by just raising his head away from the halter and the human is left on tippy toes trying like crazy to reach his face to force it down to a more attainable position (which is impossible). He's smart and oh, so wise. He gives no aggressive fight, he might walk away (and with his long legs he can walk alot faster than any 2-legged human can) ... he simply and quietly says "No. Ummmm, I don't think so. Not today, thank you." He's not mean, he's not reactive, he's not frantic about it. He just raises his head out of reach or turns and walks away. He KNOWS ... How do horses DO that !?!?! How do they KNOW when someone is deceitful and less than honest?

"Ahhhhhh, Gwen! You still have much to learn from us!" soothes Dorian. "Try to tuck your heart away for a few moments long enough to listen and not argue with us. We know because our lives depend on that knowing. We know because our hearts are big and even though we are very forgiving we don't ever forget. That's how we live. That's how we stay alive. Listen, Gwen. Shut your piehole and watch us. Listen to us. Look inside our hearts and feel the beat of honesty and truth. There is still much to learn."